My face when Colin took it circa 2014 or #tbt

Maybe what I think I'm saying here is, 

I'm a dog gone goony gal!

<3

But thats not all,
probably it is.  but Colin would want something else entirely and we're all not sure what it is.
None of us do.
For any of us.
Colin stood on his tub tile so the light would be just right.
Curtain rod behind his neck.
"Go forth," he tells me in not so many words,
"Go Get it!"
You and your crooked tooth!
At least that's what I got that Santa Monica day Colin took my picture.

Binge watching Homeland may lead to questions of similar kind.

It's starting to rain
Inside
And I'm feeling the weight
And I'm eating to go inside
Forever. 
And the missing reports
And files
And people
And children
And all of it, weakens my capacity for love
I don't understand 
How does my phone know everything 
Calculating and un feeling
Music plays in all of our ears, 
But what is the song?
What is the cry?
What is the ringing?
Is it a bell
Or a bomb?

Are we working for the dream that our life means something?

Liken me to the needy man just outside the 7eleven, or the liquor store. The woman just sat down next to me I'd rather not engage with. Id rather not open my skin. Just not anymore. Tonight. 

It hurts to do it, and I do it often. I'll do it I suppose again and again and again and again. Circling like a plow into the space beyond the night star sky. I wonder how the farmer feels, knowing how many mouths he's feeding. I wonder how the man feels who makes the boats that the fishermen float on. Does he think of death approaching himself as he knows the ropes drag the creatures out of their breathing pools ? Does anyone get it? Are there philosophers I should read? Or would I sink even further into the never mind this mess. 

It's a successful day when I can simply wash my own hands without tumbling down the staircase of looking back. 

And I keep reaching. It's a desperate float, don't have to tell me how it looks when I dance. But what I know, is the more I shit off this clicking pencil drawer mind, when we all for those brief moments fall in line with the rhythm of this paradise, it's the most satisfying grip of lost known to our kind. 

Praying you're able to see how touching you brings me hope

one day there will be a recovery program called iphone anonymous Or January in Southern Cal

I had chocolate today

its made up for the lack of movement. 

when the skies grey up like this 

part of me spiders in

curls

its a matter of sinking really

and I can only seem to hear the soft folding of my leggings each time my knees bend

its not even a sound, more of a kiss

I enjoy my legs in the sleeves of stretchy fabric

more than Kyle does

his stimulation is sourced elsewhere 

as is mine really

stuck in the nasal passages inside this running face

running into the sheets

running into my hands as I remember the things I was supposed to do are un-do-able today

(national holiday)

plus the overcast-ness 

but it was rather nice Saturday

the fog at night

over the boarded up shanties lining the mostly abandoned Venice Beach

muffled the bench v can argument from one bearded slinger to what may have been a woman

I was too far away and didn't have my glasses

he was yelling at her for something

but my sneakers and Kyle's boots already had resigned to look at the big black water
first time this year
sleeping bag clouds slowly receded their nonsense sounds

expansive

the dark widening edge

the mass of darkening grey floating overhead

drifting pirate ships swam across the moon

Buffalo gals won't ya come out tonight 

won't ya come out tonight won't ya come out tonight?

buffalo gals won't ya come out tonight 

and 

dance....

she wasn't full
she was sifting in and out of sight 

there was no use
my chin let go we were nearly there

the waves hooked something in my chest 

a pulling then crashing source surrounding splashing around the sound in the divots of our ears

I imagined the great squid
drumming underground in a deep salt stadium  

I called to her, "Help me--

this new trip around the sun again?

wtf?"

crashing smash

cool froth sipping my fingers, "Take me with your momentum

take us both and teach us how to play under there!"

"Send me your coasting current!"

something to fall back on...

to know -- to know that something's there

Only the slumbering fog

sand beneath me caved

this grey fog'll stick around all month

clinging is a type of winter here